At 23 years old, I’ve never been in a proper romantic partnership, and that’s largely been by choice. Here’s what flying solo has taught me:
1. How to become my favorite human
Personally, I find that effort often unquestioningly put towards finding someone can be put to even better use becoming the best version of yourself — one that you could fall in love with! I’ve come to adore my positive traits and cherish even my insecurities. And because I am so secure in these things, others (even strangers) generally respond positively to me. Self-confidence is truly the best accessory!
2. Not to rely on external validation for self-worth
The sting of rejection (in all forms – not just romantic) has taught me not to accept anything less than what I’m worth from others. It was life-changing once I decided to only accept love that inspires me, not which deprives me. As a general rule, you shouldn’t have to chase someone’s love or respect. You deserve someone who will seek you out and meet your efforts halfway. In the interim, that acceptance has to start from within.
3. To never be bored with myself
This should go without saying, but you are the only person who you’ll always be with, so make sure that relationship is healthy! It takes just as much work and is as rewarding as any other relationship. Personally, my ability to be alone with my thoughts certainly helps during quarantine. I find my relationships and hobbies enriching, and there’s never a time where I truly feel I have nothing to do. Remember that enjoying your own company is a superpower!
4. Sleeping alone is actually f***ing awesome
Human bodies are extremely warm, pointy, and often awkward to rearrange oneself around. Having a bed to yourself means your space is your own, clothing is optional, and no one else snores or hogs any bedding — what a luxury!
5. There’s plenty of time…
…to discover the kind of person and relationship you DO want and deserve instead of accepting the first option that arises. I have often observed the comfort of a steady arrangement can come at the expense of other factors that can impact individual expression, well-being, and possibly even safety (see: codependency, domestic violence). There’s billions of people on Earth…be as picky as you need to be!
6. Love is truly everywhere
As the perpetually single friend, I dedicate most of my social energy to my friendships, which in themselves are extremely rewarding. The world is truly your oyster when you don’t feel the need to rely on a single individual (if monogamous — poly folks do you!) for multiple aspects of love. Why is our modern conception of soulmates so stuck on the idea of a single person bearing the responsibility of best friend, roommate, co-parent, and sole sex partner (til death)?? Perhaps that’s why marriage has a 50% chance of divorce. After all, what are the chances of finding a perfect match in even one of those roles? I say nurture love wherever you can find it!
7. Sex has limitless opportunities
As a society, we really ought to stop shaming people — and women in particular — for the so-called “hoe stage.” Not being held within the confines of traditional monogamy can be incredibly educational, letting you explore way more sexual territory than otherwise. Think of sex like a data set: the more experiences you have, the better idea you get of what you enjoy as well as your limits. Ironically, more exploration teaches you to choose partners more discriminately and how to ask that your needs be met, which in turn means more good (and safe) sex.
8. I’ll go in for “the right reasons”
It’s not that I never feel lonely or completely lack a desire for companionship. But the way I see it, society is so completely inundated with depictions of romance as the end goal (see: The Bachelor franchise, Hallmark films, “chick flicks”, among many, many others), that being unwilling or unable to succumb to this pressure can legitimately feel like failure. But would you rather commit to someone to fill some sense of “lacking” — simply to not be alone — than because you were truly excited to make a partnership with the right person work? My time (and yours!) is simply too precious. That’s why if I ever were to settle down, I’d have to be sure my heart’s truly in it.
On a final note, I can’t say I regret the path I’ve taken, including all the blunders, rejections, missed opportunities and wrong choices. They’ve all contributed to my truly learning to love and value myself, and that’s a happy enough ending for me. Here’s to all my people living la vida sola!
STARSMIRK 